The Call
by unnamedconspirator
Summary: This is Cathartic! Meredith has just moved to San Francisco after Derek's death. When she gets a call from Angels Memorial hospital that Amelia is in trouble. Can she cope with this news? What will the doctors at Angels Memorial do to keep Amelia together and Meredith from falling apart? Crossover with Code Black- But summary of characters and premise of that show inside.
1. Chapter 1

A/N Just started watching GA the last couple of months. Gotta thank netflix and youtube. So now I'm Inspired. This is a Greys Anatomy Code Black crossover, but the focus is on Meredith and Amelia and how they are coping without Derek. Set shortly after Meredith leaves Seattle with the kids, she is now in San Francisco.

 **Code Black 101:**

Premise and Setting of Code Black

The term 'Code Black' comes from hospitals having more patients than resources in their ER.

The show takes place at Angels Memorial Hospital in a LA. One of the busiest ER's in the Country. It is also a teaching hospital.

 **Main Character Dr. Leanne Rorish:** An experienced ER doctor who was hardened by tragedy after her family died 3 years ago in a car accident and all she could do was watch as inept doctors took over the care of her family.(At least thats what I could gather from the tidbits of the last few episodes.) She is the Resident Director at Angels Memorial Hospital.

 **Jesse Salander:** is the Head Nurse, right hand man to the doctors, and also the self declared "Mama" he is the buffer between the residents and Dr. Rorish. I like to think of him as Leanne's 'Person'. Jesse is experienced and tough, but also has a lot of heart and compassion.

 **Dr. Christa Lorenson:** A first year resident whose young son died tragically of cancer. Her experience with this is what caused her to go into med school. Because of this she is a few years older then the other residents who jumped in straight after high school. It also exemplifies her compassion.

I'll post more info on Code Black if it is pertinent to the story.

Call For Help

Chapter 1

In a cozy apartment Meredith Grey jolted awake. She thought maybe it was her son crying or Zola at the door again. But there was nothing but silence. She looked over to Derek's side of the bed and realized with a pang in her heart that Derek would never be there. The bed was different, the room was different. Derek was gone. She let out a heavy weeping shudder and curled in a tight fetal position to will herself asleep, so she could forget for another few hours.

"Mommy!" Bailey called from across the hall. Meredith opened her eyes and sighed.

"It's okay sweetie, I'm coming." She padded to his room across the hall to the kids room. Thankfully Bailey's cry hadn't woken Zola. She sat down on the bed beside him. "What's wrong?"

He was squirming in his bed, but his eyes were closed "Mommy!" He screamed again and she realized he was having a night terror. This was a new development, the last time he had done this she shook him awake and tried to convince him it was a dream, but he didn't understand, he only screamed and cried and that made Zola wake up too. That made it a bad day for all of them because it caused her to miss Derek more. He would have known what to do. He would have calmed Bailey, reassured his wife with a kiss on her forehead, and they probably would have all ended up in their big bed underneath the post-it...

"Damn it," Meredith muttered under her breath as Bailey whimpered again. She picked his big stuffed bear off the floor and put it in his arms. Softly she whispered comforting sounds and lay down beside her son until his cries faded.

Her eyelids grew heavy and she was on the verge of sleep when the blaring ring of her phone startled her. Awake again, she waited anxiously for the noise to stop so her sleeping son would stay asleep. _Alex, stop calling,_ she thought in spite.

 _Don't wake up, don't wake up don't wake up,_ she mentally conveyed to Bailey. After a minute the ringing stopped. Then it rang again. Merideth knew something was wrong because it was really rare that Alex called twice and she knew he was considerate enough to not call at one o'clock in the morning.

When she forced herself from the bed Bailey cried out. She scooped him up and marched to her room to grab the phone, if only to stop that infernal racket that was waking her child.

"Hello?"

"Hello, this is Dr. Rorish from Angels Memorial Hospital in LA" The voice sounded ubrupt and urgent. Meredith didn't like it. "I need to speak to Derek Shepherd please."

"Derek is... not here."

"Then are you Meredith?"

 _No you have the wrong number go away and stop calling,_ "Yes, What is it? What happened?" Over her shoulder Bailey started to cry again, sensing his mother's anxiety.

"Amelia Shepherd is in our ER. You and Derek are listed as her emergency contacts. She's in serious condition but I've stablilized her. It's extremely important that someone be here for her."

Bailey cried louder and Meredith tried to rock him. "Umm, I..." The noise of a chaotic ER in the background further disrupted her thoughts and she couldn't think, she was so confused. "I..."

"Listen," Dr. Rorish took charge, "She's fragile. Someone needs to come see her." In the background someone called for Doctor Rorish. She muttered something to them and then spoke louder into the phone, "Please come as soon as you can." The line on the other end disconnected and Meredith was left with her crying child.

xxx

A/N That's Chapter 1

Next up Amelia and Angels Memorial. What do you think happened? Will she be okay? Thoughts and comments appreciated!

Chapter 2 Teaser

 _"Amelia," Rorish looked back down at her patient who had now passed out. Suddenly the monitors beeped loudly- "She's coding! Paddles!" The paddles were handed over Amelia, "200!" Rorish called, "Clear!" The body jerked with electricity. but no change in heart rythmn._


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I Do not own these characters.

A/N So this takes place about an hour before Meredith recieved the phone call. Bear with me I'm not up on the medical jargon- so this may not be completely accurate. I'm trying to just keep it simple and realistic.

**Warning, mentions of self harm**

 **Dr. Mayala Pineda:** A young and ambitious doctor, but not at the expense of others. Mayala is a natural. Her training happened at Angels Memorial as a med student and an intern which means she has a close relationship with Jesse.

Chapter 2

1 Hour ago

LA Angels Memorial

It was a sound Dr. Leanne Rorish heard all too often. Flatline. It was a sound that sometimes faded into the background as she was pulled to another patient. She looked up over the body to Mayala, one of the newest residents. They had done everything they could for the patient, but it was too late. "Time of death," she looked at her watch, "11:58 pm."

For a split second there was silence. Rorish looked over at Mayala's shocked gaze. "You did everything you could."

Mayala shook her head. "I shouldn't have left him, he told me-"

Rorish was interrupted by her pager. "Incoming trauma, one minute away. Let's go." She yanked off her plastic scrubs and gloves, reached for the clipboard and signed it. No time to waste, she ran to the ambulance bay.

Jesse appeared in her peripheral vision. "I got this Jesse," Rorish said, "Check on Mayala." She knew that Mayala was blaming herself for leaving the patient alone.

Jesse nodded, he understood what she wanted him to do. "Dr. Lorenson, you're with Rorish." He went off to find Mayala. Rorish dashed to the ambulance bay.

The bay doors burst open. Paramedics pushed a stretcher through as they ran beside it "35 year old female with wrist lacerations. Patient has lost about a lot of blood. Pulse is thready, blood pressure is low!" The paramedic recited as they rolled her into a trauma room.

"Alright!," Rorish said, "Type and cross, order a tox screen!" Dr. Rorish ran along beside the gurney in her plastic scrubs. Dr. Lorenson was on the other side of her. "We need Plasma and O neg! "Several other nurses and staff surrounded them.

The patient seemed tiny on the gurney. She was struggling underneath the paramedics and doctors arms Rorish flashed a light into her pupils to check their reaction. "Christa, where's the oxygen?"

"Here," Lorenson placed an oxygen mask over the womans mouth. She was still conscious- her blue eyes darting about in panic.

"You're going to be alright." Rorish said. "Hang in there." To the paramedics she yelled "Do we have a name?"

"Washington licence, Amelia Shepherd."

"Amelia," Rorish looked back down at her patient who had now passed out. Suddenly the monitors beeped loudly- "She's taching! Paddles!" The paddles were handed over Amelia while everyone stood back. "200!" Rorish called, "Clear!"

The body jerked with electricity, But no change in heart rythmn. "Come on Amelia, Christa! Push one of Epi! Charge 300! Clear!" The body arched again as the current forced it's will on the heart- and this time the monitors settled into a steady rythmn. "Okay, we got her back let's not lose her again people. "Where's that blood? We need to increase her pressure." Rorish took Amelia's pulse and listened to her heartbeat.

Jesse came in with a couple units of blood to hang. "Well, what's the verdict?"

Rorish unhooked her stethoscope from her ears. "She'll make it. If she wants to." She lifted the blood soaked gauze around her wrists. "Damn, this is bad." Normally she wouldn't have had any problem sewing it up herself, but the cut went deep through the muscle, and while she had the surgical skill to do it- she wouldn't have the time or patience in a packed ER on a Saturday night. "Page someone from surgery- these cuts are deep." Jesse nodded. "You talk to Mayala?" she asked.

Jesse sighed. "She's taking it hard, but she'll be okay."

"Bring her here."

"Gonna give her another chance?"

"If she wants to feel better, she needs to face it again." Rorish began to peel away the bloody gauze.

xxx

Jesse found Mayala in the hallway sitting on the floor. "Hey." he said.

Mayala looked up and let out a heavy sigh. "He told me he wasn't going to do anything. He said he was okay-"

"Mayala. It's not your fault." He crouched down to her level.

"I should have known-"

"There was no way you could have known he was lying. Maybe at that moment he was telling the truth."

"It's just-"

Jesse saw the blame and fear in the young doctor's eyes. "Hey, come here," Jesse bent gave Mayala a hug, then he pulled back and looked her straight on. "You wanna feel better?"

She nodded.

"Go help Dr. Rorish. Make sure it doesn't happen again."

Mayala sniffed and stood up. "Okay," she whispered.

Mayala found Dr. Rorish at the bedside of a patient with bandages on her wrists.

Rorish handed her the chart. "Amelia Shepherd, wrist lacerations. She's stable for now, but we need to make sure the blood loss didn't cause organ damage. Find me her emergency contact."

xxx

Rorish just finished with a patient when her Mayala paged her. They had found Amelia's Emergency contact.

She sighed and walked back to Amelias bed. "Tox screen? Chem tests?" she asked. "Negative for any legal or illegal drugs, but her records indicate that she overdosed a few years ago. There doesn't seem to be any permanent damage to her organs."

"Okay, good. You are not to leave her side, got it?"

"Yes ma'am"

"This the number?"

Mayala nodded, and Rorish left to find a phone.

xxx

Although Dr. Rorish had saved hundreds of lives and experienced many shocking situations the one thing that was the most difficult was calling the family. On the file, two names were listed. Derek Shepherd was listed as Amelia's brother and Meredith Grey as her sister in law.

Rorish memorized the number, took a calming breath and dialed. Her anxiety was short lived as she recieved a message that the number was out of service. She sighed and looked back at the paper for the next number and dialed.

The phone rang several times finally going to voicemail _"You've reached Dr. Grey-"_

Rorish hung up, looked at the number and called again. She turned into the wall to try to block some of the noise that filtered in from the busy and overcrowded ER

"Hello?" A tired and confused woman answered. In the background a child was crying.

 _Damn,_ Rorish thought. "Hello, this is Dr. Rorish from Angels Memorial Hospital in LA, I need to speak to Derek Shepherd please."

There was a pause, "Derek is...not here."

"Then are you Meredith?"

"Yes, What is it? What happened?"

Dr. Rorish kept it brief and to the point. "Amelia Shepherd is in our ER. You and Derek are listed as her emergency contacts. She's in serious condition but I've stablilized her. It's extremely important that someone be here for her," as she spoke, a gurney whipped by with paramedics and doctors performing CPR.

"Umm, I..." Meredith sounded hesitant, and the child was crying again. Rorish felt that there was probably a lot of tension in this family. "I..."

"Listen," Dr. Rorish took charge, "She's fragile. Someone needs to come see her."

One of the nurses shouted for her. "Dr. Rorish!"

Rorish covered the mouthpiece with her hand and shouted, "Handle it!" Then she composed herself and brought the phone back up to her ear.

"Please come as soon as you can." There was nothing more she could say or do at this point, so she hung up and jogged over to the next trauma.

"All right, I'm here- what do we have?"

xxx

A/N

Wow that was exciting right? Thoughts and Comments welcome. Next up, What will Meredith do?

Chapter 3 teaser:

 _Rorish hung the chart on the end of the bed. "You'll be going into surgery soon, and then you'll be asessed on your mental health. I've called your sister in law, Meredith."_

 _"Meredith? You called freakin' Meredith?" Amelia pushed herself up again._


	3. Chapter 3

A/N Thanks for all the reviews, faves and follows! You guys are the best! And it's neat to have fans from so many different fandoms!

For Private Practice fans, I never did get into that show - so while the setting of this fic is in LA I won't be including those characters. And while it is plausible that Addison be involved in this fic, I really just want to explore the relationship between Meredith and Amelia.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and I don't make any profit from this.

 **Chapter 3**

Meredith sat on the bed with Bailey in her arms, staring at her phone. _"Please come as soon as you can."_ The voice said in her head. The news about Amelia was almost too much. She just had nothing to give. Her stomach felt queasy, so she laid Bailey down before bolting to the bathroom to retch. She sat down beside the toilet and wiped her mouth. Her breath started to come in quick gasps and she closed her eyes. "Derek?" she called to no one, "What do I do? What do I do?"

 _If there's a crisis,_ she heard him say, _you don't freeze, you move forward, you get the rest of us to move forward because you've seen worse. You've survived worse._

"Derek it's too much." Her hands were clammy, her face flushed. She couldn't do this. She couldn't face someone else in pain. She was a mess, now she had to tend to someone else's wounds?

 _Amy's my sister, she's family._

"But the kids..."

 _Amelia loves our kids._

Meredith got up, drank some water straight from the tap and splashed some on her face. She picked her phone up again and thumbed through the contacts. Addison, Carolyn... She brought her hand up to her forehead. "Derek..."

Why did he have to be in her head, saying things? Damn it.

 _No need to involve anyone else right now,_ she thought. _I can just go and see if she's okay right? It's probably nothing. I can just go and see._

Derek would want that. He wouldn't want Amelia to be alone and it would take several hours for any family to get down there to help her. In her heart, she knew that was the right thing to do. She would survive, she had to.

She started getting ready.

xxx

It was the time of night Dr. Rorish liked to call the eye of the storm. A quiet period before another wave of patients were wheeled in. She used this time for a quick round of her patients so far. This was critical to patient care- because this was how she could determine if they made the right calls in the ER, or if there were mistakes or complications that needed to be managed. This was make or break. After discharging a patient with a fractured arm and mild concussion, she moved onto the next bed. Amelia Shepherd, the attempted suicide. "They haven't moved her to surgery?" she asked Malaya.

"Surgery got bumped."

"Go grab a bite to eat."

"No I'm okay."

Rorish pulled her stethoscope out and began her examination of the patient. Rorish checked heartrate, pulse, blood pressure. It was improving. Amelia's dressings had been changed, but her hands were cold, indicating poor circulation. "You can't blame yourself Malaya, he wanted to die."

"Do no harm, I made that oath when I became a doctor, and I let him..." Malaya stopped, speechless.

Rorish swung the stethoscope back around her neck. Of all the traumas that came into her ER it was suicide that bothered doctors the most. Harm to oneself. The hardest part was that she had been there not long ago. When the pain of surviving was too great- but she could never bring herself to it. It angered and saddened her. "Malaya. You have to move past this. I can't have a resident that second guesses. What happened tonight was hard. But now you know. And you'll do better."

She looked at the bandages again. "Get me a suture kit, saline, and some lidacane, I'll have to do this now."

Malaya nodded and left the room.

Dr. Rorish made her notes in Amelia's chart when she heard a sharp intake of breath. "Ms. Shepherd?" she walked closer to the bed, putting her stethoscope to her ears and checking Amelia's breath sounds.

"Mmm," Amelia's eyes fluttered and she licked her lips.

"I'm Dr. Rorish, you're at Angels Memorial Hospital."

"No... no," Amelia shook her head. "I don't want to be here," Her eyes finally opened and she glared at Rorish, "Get me out of here!" She struggled to sit up.

Rorish pushed her down. "You need to stay put, or I will restrain you. You're at risk for self harm and as your doctor, I can't release you just yet. Besides, you still need surgery on your wrists."

Amelia looked down at her bandaged wrists in shock. "What? It didn't work... I still can't..."

Malaya returned with the supplies. Rorish hung the chart on the end of the bed. "I'm going to fix your wrists, and then you'll be asessed on your mental health. I've called your sister in law, Meredith."

"Meredith? You called freakin' Meredith?" Amelia pushed herself up again.

"Malaya, Get me ten cc of Lorazepam" She pushed Amelia down again. "I'm going to give you a sedative," Malaya handed her a needle and Rorish reached for the IV bag.

"No, please no," Amelia protested. Rorish slid the needle into the IV line and pushed the plunger. Amelia's eyes closed and she passed out.

Rorish pulled the curtain around, "Okay Malaya, watch and learn as I do these sutures, I've got to get right to the vein, and I'm going to need some help." She gowned and gloved.

xxx

The flight from San Francisco to LA was too short and Meredith felt trapped in this city. Now she was here, and couldn't turn back. She parked the rental and entered Angels Memorial.

The hospital loomed in front of her. Even at four in the morning, the place seemed full and busy. It was a strange dream as she followed the signs and checked in at the desk. Deja vu, entering a hospital to find out whether someone she loved was alive or dead. She swallowed as she entered the impossibly busy and depressing waiting room. Bailey rested on her hip and Zola clutched Meredith's hand, carrying her doll with the other. Meredith shifted Bailey in her arms and approached the desk. "I'm here for Amelia Shepherd?"

The clerk barely looked at her as the keys clacked on the keyboard. "She's still in the ER, I'll page a nurse."

xxx

The latest crisis passed, and the flow of patients ebbed again. Rorish finished the remnants of the cold coffee in the staff lounge. She heard Jesse clear his throat. "What is it?" she asked. He beckoned with a tilt of his head and she reluctantly followed.

"The attempted suicide. Her family is here," Jesse said. He touched her arm. They made their way to the waiting room. "She's a doctor," He said quietly.

"I know." She remembered the voicemail. She stepped forward, "Dr. Grey?" Amongst the crowd of people a woman looked up from her seat, two children on her lap. And Rorish saw that look. Pale, with dark circles under her eyes. Her jaw jutted out a little. Her posture was tense and so very fragile. This was the look of grief and loss, of someone who had lost half of themselves and Rorish knew it all to well, it was the same look that she saw in the mirror everyday.

xxx

A/N Well how about that? What do you think? Can Meredith take on Amelia's burden? That and more next chapter.

Chapter 4 Teaser

 _"What happened?" Meredith asked. "She's not dying right?"_

 _Dr. Rorish took a moment and analysed what she was seeing. Decades of experience taught her to notice the smallest details- the way Meredith's voice cracked, the hand wringing, the sharp intake of breath, and the fierceness in her eyes. The need to know the truth. "She lost a lot of blood, but we're replacing it and giving her fluids."_

 _Meredith nodded understanding, she seemed to relax a little, "Okay..."_

 _"She slashed her wrists."_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N** I Just want to give a shout out to the people who chose to review my story: henley456, rhi bradley, Charlotte, Mellie, mandyg67 Guest, and Patsy (Patsy you are on the right track, I think you are going to like how I play this later.) If you are a user, and have faved, followed, or reviewed please know that I usually check your profile and may have read some of your stories as a thank you.

Just a heads up, in my stories, the characters never get along at first. Where's the fun in that? ;)

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own these characters

Chapter 4

Meredith looked up at the mention of her name and saw two people in scrubs and stethoscopes standing at the door to the waiting room. When they met her gaze, the woman stepped forward. "I'm Dr. Rorish, I attended to Amelia," she said.

"You're the one who called me." It was almost an accusation. She didn't mean it, but that's the way it came out.

For her part, Rorish seemed to not notice or care. She gave a half smile, a sympathy smile. _What was that?_ "I'll take you to her."

Meredith nodded, "wait, my kids, what do I do with my kids?" she asked.

The big man behind Dr. Rorish stepped forward and smiled, "Don't worry, Mama's got it." He made his way past her and sat down next to Zola and Bailey.

Meredith looked back at Rorish and saw that she trusted him, so she followed after the doctor, numb.

"This way." Rorish led Meredith through the hallway in silence.

Rorish walked slightly ahead of Meredith, leading her to the ER. Before she pushed through the door, Meredith touched her arm. "What happened?" Meredith asked, "she's not dying right?"

Dr. Rorish took a moment and analysed what she was seeing. Decades of experience taught her to notice the smallest details- the way Meredith's voice cracked, the hand wringing, the sharp intake of breath, and the fierceness in her eyes. The need to know the truth. "She lost a lot of blood, but we're replacing it and giving her fluids."

Meredith nodded understanding, she seemed to relax a little, "Okay..."

"She slashed her wrists."

Meredith blinked and a haunted look flooded her features. "She slashed her wrists." Meredith repeated, and there was a sudden edge to her voice. She folded one arm over her chest and propped her chin up with the other. "No, this can't be happening... This is so not happening."

Her instincts had been right. There was tension in this family. Rorish set her jaw firmly. If she had to be the bloody scalpel, she would be. "Dr. Grey, this is happening. She tried to kill herself, that's not okay. The cuts were deep, I've repaired the damage. But she's not okay." Rorish saw Meredith fighting to keep herself together "Someone needs to be there."

"You're getting a psych consult?" Meredith asked.

Rorish nodded. "That's protocol, but they won't be here until morning."

"Suicide watch?"

"There's a resident watching her."

"So someone is there."

Rorish took a breath, counted to three and resisted the sudden urge to punch Meredith in the face. The younger woman just didn't seem to get it. "You lost someone. Was it Derek?" _Shit. Did she just say that?_

Meredith's face contorted in pain, like she had been slapped. "What?" She snapped, "You don't have any right-"

"I do. She's my patient under my watch, and if you knew _anything_ about me it's that I can't stand to lose someone that I have already fixed," A cold memory of the accident rushed to mind- her accident. Her kids, her husband. How she barked orders as she leaned against the minivan, her body broken in a thousand pieces.

Meredith must have seen it in her eyes because she backed down. "You lose someone too?" she asked.

All Rorish could do was nod.

Meredith seemed to consider this. "Okay," she whispered.

Rorish pushed open the door to the ER and led Meredith to Amelia's bed.

xxx

Amelia was slowly becoming aware of her surroundings although her eyes were closed. She was in a weird state of consciousness where she couldn't quite rouse herself awake but could hear what was going on. She knew she wasn't alone, there was another doctor with her-an intern she guessed. A hungry intern, judging by how quickly she had finished that bag of chips. When the crunching and crinkling stopped, the doctor did a thorough vitals check. Then the doctor started talking.

"I don't know if you can hear me... my name is Malaya, I'm a first year resident. I guess you'd probably understand because your records say you're a doctor. Dr. Rorish sewed up the cuts on your wrists. She did an excellent job."

Amelia heard a soft woosh as Malaya sat down. "I lost a patient earlier today..." Malaya hiccupped "He came in as an overdose, and we saved him you know? He was stable... we even talked for a few minutes. He was nice. But he was really sad about something. His daughter I think."

Amelia was torn. One part of her wanted to roll her eyes at this girl, but the other part of her- the bigger part of her empathized. She wished she could fall asleep again, she didn't want to hear where this was going.

"I was paged to a trauma," Malaya continued. "He said he was okay. It only took him five minutes. He swiped some medication from another patient and injected it into his IV."

 _Damn._ Amelia thought, that guy was smart. _Damn,_ why was she telling her this? She didn't want to hear this. _Go back to sleep,_ she thought, _please._

"I'm not going to let you screw your life up Dr. Shepherd." Malaya said fiercely, "Not today."

 _Great._ Amelia thought.

There was a sound of footsteps and Amelia heard Malaya clear her throat

"How's our patient, Malaya?" Dr Rorish asked

"Still unconscious but stable..." The voices faded as Amelia heard something else. Meredith's gasp.

xxx

Meredith approached Amelia's bedside as Dr. Rorish and her resident discussed Amelia's treatments. Amelia was sleeping. She looked so different on the hospital bed. Her skin was pale and clammy and her usual shiny dark hair lacked lustre. Gone was her intensity, the force of nature that had on a few occasions plowed into her and Derek's life. Instead she was replaced by this...shell.

Besides the obvious bandages on her forearms, there appeared to be no other trauma. _She slashed her wrists_. Meredith tried to push back the memories of cleaning blood off the floor. She breathed in sharply. "Her chart. Give me her chart."

"I don't think I can just-" The resident stammered

"It's alright Dr. Pineda," Rorish said. "Let's give her a few minutes." Dr. Pineda handed Meredith Amelia's chart and Rorish closed the curtains.

Meredith flipped the chart open and read the shorthand notes. She was surprised to see that Amelia coded twice but relieved when she read that her tox screens had come back clear. She put the chart down and clutched the rails of Amelia's bed. So now what?

She thought about her own experience in giving up. She had let go once. Just for a second she let go. She lost sight of the point. Was this the same deal? Or was it like her mother, who knew consciously or not, that she wasn't really going to die. Her mother wanted her lover to come back to her, but she didn't really want to die.

"Well, if you wanted me to come back, I did. I don't know why," she paced a little. "You... you're a lot, and I'm not sure I like you, but I guess you're family, so..." _Frick, Amelia what the hell?_ She tucked a strand of Amelia's hair away from her face and sat down.

xxx

"You... you're a lot, and I'm not sure I like you, but I guess you're family," Meredith was saying, "so..."

Amelia felt a strand of hair being pushed off her face. She also felt the groggy feeling leaving. She twitched and wondered if Meredith noticed, but there was no response from her. She inhaled deeply, the oxygen from the nasal cannula made her more alert. Slowly, she opened her eyes. "Mer," was all she could manage at the moment.

"Amelia." Meredith said, strained, but not harsh or judgemental. It surprised her, but she never really knew what to expect from Meredith. Especially now, without Derek.

"What... What are you doing here?" Amelia asked.

"I guess I'm your person."

"My person?"

Meredith huffed. "Well Derek was probably your person, and I was just the backup..."

Amelia's face scrunched in confusion and Meredith responded with an annoyed look. "Never mind. I was on the emergency contact list."

"Oh."

There was just this long awkward pause. Amelia didn't want to talk about what happened, and Meredith didn't seem to want to ask. Finally, Amelia decided to help Meredith. "I'm fine," she said. "You can go."

"You're not fine."

"How do you know?"

"I know."

Amelia gazed at Meredith with contempt. Meredith could not possibly know how fine she was. She was fine, she was managing it. "No, Mer, you don't know. You left. But I'm fine. Really. Go back to your little hole in the ground... and I will deal."

"Amelia, you slashed your wrists!" Meredith said.

"Meredith...," Amelia enunciated, God, she was so tired of this, so tired of people's pity. "How I choose to feel _my_ pain is none...OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!"

Meredith stepped back, visibly shaken. Amelia put her best angry face forward. She was not going to be someone's project. She was managing. She was fine. Derek was dead and she was fine, just fine.

"No..." Meredith said.

Amelia rolled her eyes. Just like Derek, she had to get the last word in. Whatever.

"No," Meredith said again. "You coded on the table Amelia, twice. And they had to shock you, twice. So you're not okay. You let go. And you know what the really sad part is? I don't know if I have it in me to care, Amelia. I don't know you. I came here because of Derek. Derek loved you. I thought I could try..." She stopped and looked at the ceiling. "I never should have come," She wrung her hands in defeat. "I'm sorry, I can't... I just can't" Meredith turned on her heel and left.

Amelia shifted onto her side, she looked at the bandage on her left arm and smiled a little. The drugs were wearing off. Finally, she could feel something.

xxx

 **A/N** Okay so I guess the last few episodes of GA really inspired me. That was intense wasn't it? Do you think that is true to the characters? It's hard to say because this grief is only a few weeks old, so there will be a lot of raw unfiltered emotions and thoughts. Please comment Below! Don't worry, it's not the end, far from it! Next up, Grey in action!

Chapter 5 Teaser

"Are you okay?" Meredith shook the woman but there was no response. She felt for a pulse on her neck and it was there but faint. Meredith noticed that the woman had a hospital wristband, she pulled up the woman's shirt and noticed the stiches of a recent surgery on her abdomen. As she probed the woman's belly she knew that there was internal bleeding. This patient was bleeding out.

"Dr. Grey?" Someone called. She turned her head to see a blonde woman in hospital scrubs.

"She needs surgery, now!" Meredith shouted. We have to get her back into the hospital." She put the car into park. "What's your name?"

"Dr. Lorenson,"


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N** Thanks again for all the reviews, follows and faves. Really makes my day! I am glad you are enjoying it, and don't be shy about posting your thoughts! This was a fun chapter for me to write, because what would a crazy crossover like this be like without an emergency surgery! So Enjoy!

Chapter 5

Meredith couldn't breathe. She speedwalked out of the ER, her mind on overdrive. All she could think about was the blood that had slid so easily down her mothers wrists as she told her not to call for help. Her mother's bandaged arms lifting Meredith up onto the hospital bed as her mother sobbed for Richard.

Her heart swelled with pain. Heartbreak. She couldn't breathe. Everything around her was a blur, she needed air... Meredith saw an exit and ran for it. She burst through the door gasping, the cool morning air a welcome escape from the stuffy hospital.

She stood there, breathing, collecting herself, wiping the tears from her eyes. But her peace was short lived. Loud sirens screamed in her ears as three ambulances pulled up only a few feet away from her and a squad of doctors and nurses pushed past her.

xxx

They had just received word: Multi vehicle accident. Several critical patients were on their way. Rorish rushed back to the ambulance bay. Their entire staff had been called in. "Alright, what do we have?" She barked to Dr. Lorenson.

"Motor Vehicle accident, three Critical. Her resident filled her in. "I've ordered blood and plasma and paged Doctors Guthrie and Hudson"

"Good" she said, the lights and sirens of the ambulances came into view. They pulled up and the paramedics jumped out, patients in tow. She ran to the first one, the paramedics were still performing CPR. As she listened to the list of injuries - she new it was too late. She checked the patients vitals, just to be sure and then breathed loudly. "DOA," she said. "Time of death 3:30 am, she said and signed the chart.

"Rorish!" Dr. Hudson called as another ambulance pulled up.

"Coming!" Rorish shouted as she grabbed the next gurney. In the background, something caught her eye. Rorish saw Dr. Grey several yards away staring at the scene, she looked nauseous and her skin was pale. Suddenly Meredith put her hand to her stomach and bent over, vomiting right onto the pavement.

Rorish rushed the bloody patient into the trauma room. "We need to intubate" Rorish held out her hand and as the tube and guide were placed in her hands. She quickly intubated. "Okay, X-ray! Get geared up."

Christa!" she called when she saw the younger doctor jog by.

"Yes Dr. Rorish?"

"I need you to check the parking lot around the ambulance bay. Look for a woman with two children, a boy and a girl. Her name is Dr. Grey. Make sure she's okay- she could be in shock."

"But the other patients-"

Rorish sighed inwardly shock was often missed because patients felt fine. But it was easily treated, and damned if she was going to have someone pass out in her parking lot. "Just do it!"

"Okay." Christa nodded.

xxx

Meredith wiped her mouth and swallowed. She didn't expect to be right at the ambulance bay. She had seen trauma before- blood didn't bother her. But she felt glued to the ground when the paramedics had jumped out with their patient on the gurney. Because for a few seconds, she thought it was Derek, and Dr. Rorish hardly gave him any attention- didn't even try. She just called it and moved on.

Watching that, Meredith felt like she was watching Derek die all over again. She shook her head. She had to go find her kids.

Somehow, she made her way back to the waiting room, where another nurse had taken over the care of Zola and Bailey. "Mommy!" Zola ran to her and gave her a big hug. Meredith's pain washed away and she scooped up her little girl, grateful for the innocent love of her children

"Oh Zola, it's okay sweetie, Mommy's here, I'm here."

Bailey held up his hand, showing a bright red sticker of a red car on the back of his hand "ticker!"

Meredith bent down and clutched his hand "Ohh a race car, that's nice," she smiled, glad that her children had been oblivious to everything going on. Glad that to them, this was just another day. "Come on Bailey, we're going back to the car."

She headed into the parking lot and found her car. She loaded Zola and Bailey into their car seats and got into the drivers seat. For a long time she just sat in her car and just breathed... in and out, in and out. "I'm sorry, Derek. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could... but when I saw those bandages..." A pain started again in her heart... "Why? Why Derek? Why did you have to leave?"

"Mommy?" Zola asked.

Meredith suddenly realized she had been talking out loud. "It's ok Zo," she sniffed. She took another breath, started the car and began to back out. But a car was blocking her exit.

"Come on," She muttered. She waited a minute, but the car didn't move, when she looked into the rearview mirror she noticed that the driver was slumped over the steering wheel.

"Shit," Meredith parked her car and jumped out. She walked up to the car that blocked her and banged on the window. No response. The door was locked. Now she was operating on pure adrenaline. Meredith popped open her trunk and was relieved to find a tire iron, She grabbed it and with all her strength, she smashed open the window of the other woman's car. With her long fingers she gingerly reached through what was left of the glass and unlocked the door.

"Are you okay?" Meredith shook the woman but there was no response. She felt for a pulse on her neck and it was there but faint. Meredith noticed that the woman had a hospital wristband. She pulled up the woman's shirt and noticed the stiches of a recent surgery on her abdomen. As she probed the woman's belly she knew that there was internal bleeding. This patient was bleeding out.

"Dr. Grey?" Someone called. She turned her head to see a blonde woman in hospital scrubs.

"She needs surgery, now! We have to get her back into the hospital." She put the car into park. "What's your name?"

"Dr. Lorenson,"

"Okay Dr. Lorenson, I'm going to pull her over to the passenger side and then you have to drive the car to the ambulance doors. Got it?" They didn't have time to run back for a gurney.

"Yeah."

Meredith was pleased that Dr. Lorenson kept her calm and deferred to her. They had to work as a team. Meredith piled into the other side of the car and pulled the patient over to the passenger side. Dr. Lorenson jumped into the drivers seat and they sped ahead.

Meredith looked over at the blonde doctor. "Then you're going to get someone to get my kids."

"I need help!" Dr. Lorenson yelled as soon as they entered the ambulance bay. In an instant a gurney and two nurses appeared. They loaded the patient on it and took her in.

Meredith was right there beside them, palpating the patients abdomen- it was rigid, not a good sign. "She needs sugery now!" She shouted. "It's her spleen- she's bleeding out." And then she looked around, the hospital was full. People everywhere and they were all working on emergency patients. She looked at Dr. Lorenson. "How long have you been a resident?"

"Its my first year."

Dammit. If she even had another year of experience, she might be able to walk the doctor through the procedure. But this was her first year and Dr. Lorenson wasn't a surgical resident. "Where's you're attending?"

Christa looked around and nodded her head to Dr. Rorish who was busy performing a thoracotomy while talking her residents through a procedure on another patient.

Meredith down at the patient in front of her. There was no time to wait. "Okay, We're going to need platelets, laps, and a laparotomy kit."

"You're going to cut her open now?" Dr. Lorenson asked incredulously.

"There's no time. She's got ten minutes tops before she bleeds out."

The staff around her hesitated.

"Christa!" Rorish shouted. "What's going on?"

"The patient is bleeding out, Dr. Grey wants to go in and stop the bleed."

"Dr. Grey- I assume you know what you're doing."

"I do."

"You'll have to talk Christa through it."

"There's no time and she's not a surgeon. Get me a kit and some suction and I can stabilise her."

The two doctors sized each other up. Meredith was not going to give up on this woman. She looked back down at the patients wristband. "Someone discharged her from this hospital and she never made it out of the parking lot."

Rorish looked at the patient, and a flicker of recognition appeared on her face. She nodded to Meredith, "Okay, Dr. Grey. Someone get her whatever she needs!"

Meredith looked at Dr. Lorenson. "Lets do this. And someone take care of my kids!"

xxx

Christa worked hard to keep up to Dr. Grey. She had never participated in a surgery like this before. But Dr. Grey appeared to be in another world as she focused on the patient. Dressed in yellow trauma scrubs and wearing safety glasses, Dr. Grey cut into the patient.

"Clamp."

Christa handed her the clamp and watched as she clamped a vein. She thought Dr. Grey looked familiar as she watched her work. Where had she seen her before?

"Hang another unit of blood please. laps, I need laps."

Christa stole a glance around the ER and realized that most of the staff were now watching. Including Rorish.

"Damn" Dr. Grey muttered.

"What is it?" Christa asked. Her fingers hovered over the surgical tray.

"I need more retraction."

Christa pulled back some more on the retractor. Wow, she had never seen do much blood before except in documentaries at med school.

"Suction, Dr. Lorenson." Grey's hands moved quickly and effortlessly through the patient's insides. "There, found it. Clamp."

Christa complied and watched as Dr. Grey picked up the sutures. That's when she realized where she had seen her before. She couldn't believe it. Dr. Grey, from Seattle Mercy Grace. The hospital that had the shooting.

Christa shook her head. She had to keep her cool.

With a few deft stiches Dr. Grey sewed the tear in the spleen. "Ok, that should hold for now," She said. "Somebody find out if there's an OR."

Christa breathed a sigh of relief, but her relief was short lived when she saw Dr. Grey's hands tremble as she was closing.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm... okay." Dr. Grey said, but her face was pale. She finished her last suture, and looked Christa in the eye. "You need to make sure that this patient gets into the OR in the next hour."

"Don't worry, I will."

"Pretty good for a first year..." She trailed off and then her eyes rolled back and she collapsed.

xxx

 **A/N** I will get those two together, I just have to get them to the point where they will actually listen to each other, and the code black doctors will have a part to play in that instance.

Chapter 6 Teaser:

Meredith shook her head and sat up in her bed. "How do you do it?" She asked Rorish.

"Do What?"

"Today, those ambulances-that patient, you just called it. How do you decide? What if it's a mistake? What if you've waited too long? How can you do that every day?"

Rorish studied Meredith... these were not the questions of an experienced surgeon. She knew that Meredith had made those calls and managed to live with it. No, these were the questions of a grieving widow trying to hold it together.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N** Happy Thankgiving to all who will be celebrating! These next few chapters are hard to write. Amelia is very hard to understand- no wonder people don't get along with her. Some people think she is whiny and childish. I don't think that is accurate, everyone deals with things differently and when you don't have healthy outlets to cope with pain it can appear very immature.

Anywho enough of that rant. I found big inspiration for this fic through a few songs- Uncharted by Sara Bareilles, and Try by Nelly Furtado. What do you think?

 **Dr. Mark Taylor:** ER Director: the equivalent of Webber. Taylor is a sarcastic veteran of the ER who also has a heart.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters.

xxx

The smell of antiseptic stung Amelia's nose. There was a dull throbbing pain in her wrists, and she had a headache. They had moved her upstairs to a private room. The reality of the situation was sinking in. She was _alone,_ except for that resident. What was her name? Melonie? No. Mayala. Dr. Pineda. She was here in the chair in the corner, reading some medical journals.

Amelia cleared her throat and sat up. "I want to get out of here. Get me the discharge papers."

Malaya sighed, "I have special orders from Dr. Rorish not to release you until we get a psych consult, so unfortunately you're stuck here."

"You can't keep me here."

"I can for now."

"You must have screwed up bad to get stuck on babysitting duty, What'd you do? Kill somebody?"Amelia sneered. Her arrow struck the target because she could see the hurt in the doctor's eyes. But Malaya quickly recovered and looked up from the book she had been reading.

"I'm not going to take the bait. And frankly, what you're doing is not going to get you out of here any sooner."

"Oh, and what am I doing exactly?"

"She came all the way here, in the middle of the night with her kids to see you, and you just pushed her away."

Amelia shook her head and huffed, "Meredith didn't come for me, she came for some assurance that her dead husband's sister is still alive. And would you look at that? I am. So she can leave. She has enough crap to deal with on her own without trainwreck Amy barreling through her life."

"So why did you do it?" Malaya asked.

Amelia looked at her wrists. They were still throbbing. "I'm not suicidal okay? I wanted to feel something. I wanted to hurt, because I haven't felt anything since my brother died. I just wanted to feel something."

"Yeah?" Malaya said, "and now you probably feel alone."

xxx

The floor of the ER was a temporary monument to the lives that were saved in the last two hours. Covered in blood and discarded wrappers from syringes and tubes the sight of it would nauseate most people. But everyone pitched in to clean up. As the residents, nurses and orderlies swept the floor Rorish filled in her patients charts, one by one, until she got to the last. Dr. Meredith Grey.

The sleeping figure looked finally at peace. She had to admit she had a new respect for the woman after seeing her work only an hour ago. "Christa," Rorish called.

Christa looked up from the mop she was holding. "Yes?"

Rorish beckoned her over. "Present the patient."

"Oh. uhh Thirty-seven year old female, Meredith Grey, suffering from exhaustion and dehydration, treatment is IV fluids, warmth and rest. We ordered a blood work-up and lab tests to rule out any pre-existing conditions, otherwise her vitals are stable."

"Good, and her kids?"

"Jesse got a social worker to watch them till she wakes up."

Rorish nodded. "Good work out there, doctor."

"It was amazing- I mean I've never had much interest in being a surgeon, but she knew exactly what was happening with that patient- and she knew what to do- we didn't even get any scans or ultrasound- there wasn't time."

"And you kept calm under pressure."

Christa nodded.

Rorish looked past Christa's shoulder and saw Dr. Mark Taylor marching toward her. "Go find out what's happening with that patient. I'm about to be grilled."

As Christa left, Rorish walked toward Mark. She knew he was about to blow, and she wouldn't have that happen out here. "Not here- your office." They walked together in silence and she entered his office first as the door slammed behind them.

"What the hell was that?" Mark yelled.

"That was saving a life!" Rorish shouted back. Even though he was her direct supervisor, they knew each other well, and Rorish was not afraid of a little yelling.

"You let a stranger cut open our patient. How did you know she is what she says she is?"

"I just knew, it wasn't open for debate."

"Do you have any idea the potential lawsuit I could be facing?"

"If Dr. Grey hadn't operated, she would have died and there defineately would have been a lawsuit. That patient never should have been discharged." Rorish swallowed. "At least now she has a chance."

Mark rubbed his forehead. "I know, it's just...you can't do that Leanne. For all we know, she could have been a schizophrenic or something."

"I know."

"Well, I checked her out. I had to call her hospital in Seattle and confirm everything- but she is a board certified general surgeon, so I just need her to fill out some paperwork and we should be in the clear."

"Good."

"How's she doing?"

"She'll be fine."

"And her sister in law?"

"We're waiting on a psych consult, but the two of them want nothing to do with each other."

"Well, I know that won't stop you."

Rorish gave a small smile.

"Come on, I need to get Dr. Grey to fill out these forms. I had to fudge a few things, but it will be enough for HR and the legal department."

xxx

Meredith woke up suddenly. A bad dream had woken her, but it already escaped her memory. She looked around, "Where...?" she asked.

"Dr. Grey? It's me, Dr. Lorenson, Christa."

The face looked familiar, and then Meredith remembered that she had worked with her on the surgery. "That lady in the parking lot..." she started.

"She's in surgery, she'll be fine."

Meredith nodded. Suddenly she remembered Bailey and Zola had been in the backseat of her rental when it all happened. "My kids?!"

"They are fine too. A social worker is with them."

"Okay." She wanted to see them, but she was so tired.

"Dr. Grey?"

"Mm."

"I just wanted to say that it was really an honor to work with you on that patient, I have never seen such skill up close before."

"Oh." Meredith considered what to say, she could hardly remember it, it had been so instinctual-something that came to her as easily as breathing. "You weren't so bad yourself." She paused, "Did I pass out?"

"Well, you were dehydrated and probably suffering from exhaustion, so you need to rest here for a few more hours, have some fluids. I'll get the nurses to bring you something to eat."

"Okay."

Their conversation was interrupted by the Appearance of Dr. Rorish and another doctor in a shirt and tie and white coat.

"Dr. Grey, I'm Doctor Taylor, ER chief. You're actions today saved a life and may have prevented a lawsuit, so I was wondering if you could do me a big favor for us and fill out this paperwork." He handed her a clipboard.

"Now?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Um, sure." She gave a little smile and looked over the papers.

"Dr. Rorish, you'll bring those back to me?"

"Yes Mark."

"Good, I got a stack a foot high on my desk I gotta take care of," and with that he was gone.

Christa finished writing in Meredith's chart and then excused herself to look after other patients.

Alone with Dr. Rorish, Meredith filled out the paperwork until her eyes hurt, and then she put the pen down on the clipboard.

She was thinking about the fight her mother had with Richard. Before he left her. Before she ran away to Boston. She was thinking about the night she had woken Zola and Bailey and left their home, and how she just drove south until she got to San Francisco. She got off the carousel. She put pause on her life, to find herself again. And then she thought about Amelia, how she left her. "I got off the carousel" Meredith whispered.

"What?" Rorish looked confused.

Meredith shook her head and sat up in her bed. "How do you do it?" She asked Rorish.

"Do what?"

"Today, those ambulances-that patient... you just called it. How do you decide? What if it's a mistake? What if you've waited too long? How can you do that every day?"

xxx

Rorish studied Meredith... these were not the questions of an experienced surgeon. She knew that Meredith had made those calls and managed to live with it. No, these were the questions of a grieving widow trying to hold it together.

What had Meredith seen that night that affected her so? Then she remembered the first trauma patient that had arrived. He had flail chest, massive internal injuries and probably head trauma. That was it wasn't it?

Meredith's questions brought up her own painful memories of the accident and her own hurt. She didn't take these things lightly, she just chose to spend her energy on what would live, rather than on that which was already dead.

She walked closer to the bed. "How did he die? Car accident?"

Meredith's eyes watered. "I pulled the plug"

Rorish nodded. "I'm sorry." Now she understood what Meredith was really asking. "I told you I lost someone."

"Yes."

"I lost everyone."

Meredith looked away and covered her face with her hand, but Rorish touched her shoulder to get her attention.

"Dr. Grey... Meredith, the hardest thing I do everyday is wake up. Wake up to an empty house and an empty bed. For the first hour of my waking life I hate everything. Everything." She sighed. "Then I force myself to look out the window, make a pot of coffee and get here because I'm not the only one in pain. And I'm a Doctor."

"I-I don't know if I can help her."

"I watched you today with that patient, and you weren't trying to decide if you _should_ save her or not- you knew what you had to do and you did it. That's what we do at this hospital, we don't decide, we just do. We do what we can even when it hurts, and then we do the impossible even when it's unbearable. After that, it's up to the patient." Rorish straightened up. "Don't give up on her."

xxx

Amelia considered her options. She had feigned sleep until Malaya started to doze over her books. Maybe she should just leave, score some drugs... maybe she should just let herself overdose. Nobody cared anyway. Meredith didn't care. She wasn't here. And her family? They wouldn't have to worry about her anymore.

Where were her clothes? It was time to get out of here before somebody started to care. She swung her legs over the bed and pushed herself up. The room spun and she waited for it to stop. She just wanted to leave. Leave everything behind. Screw Meredith. Screw Derek. Dead Derek. Her brother was gone and she was here. If anything it should be the other way around. She was the screw-up. She could leave and forget everything- or pretend to forget everything. It was better than the alternative. Her wrists ached. Her bare feet found the cold floor and she slid off the bed. She reached for the counter where her clothes were bundled. She was leaving this godforsaken hell hole of a hospital.

"What are you doing?" Malaya asked, her books falling on the floor as she stood up from her chair

"I'm leaving. You can't keep me here." Amelia didn't care anymore.

Malaya stepped around the bed. "Please, don't do this. You need help."

Amelia ignored her, reached into the bag and pulled out her jeans. "So stop me." She fought a wave of dizziness as she lifted a leg and shoved it into ther jeans. She took a breath. She had never felt so weak before...

Malaya grabbed her arm to lead her back to the bed. "No, don't touch me!" Amelia ripped it away and grimaced in pain. And then she heard a voice that almost ripped her heart out.

"Mommy, it's Auntie Amy!"

The patter of feet caused her to look up past Mayala and she saw two black puffs of hair and a shiny brown forehead. She stumbled back to the bed. "Zola?"

Malaya stepped aside just as Zola bounded into view. Her smile flourescent against her soft brown skin. Amelia looked down at Zola in disbelief as the four year old hugged her legs.

She looked back up to see Meredith just a step outside of her room, one hand gripping an IV pole and another holding Bailey's hand.

xxx

 **A/N** Cliffhanger! I know... So what are these guys gonna say to each other? Will they kill each other? We shall see...

Chapter 7 Teaser

"I so want to yell at you Mer, but I can't with a kid in my lap." Amelia said with a shaking voice.

Meredith offered a half smile. "That's why I brought them."

"So I'm getting a psych consult. Guess I'm crazy."

"You're not crazy," Meredith said quietly, "You're hurting."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N** So this took some time to write and it's a little short because it just felt right to end it there. I had to rewrite it a half dozen times just to get it to work. This is the darkest chapter of the story, but it gets a lot better after this. Enjoy!

 **Just a few moments ago...**

Jesse wasn't surprised when he saw Dr. Grey pacing in the hallway outside of Amelia's unit. One arm wrapped around herself she walked one way, stopped, looked up at the ceiling, closed her eyes, paced the other way. Arguing with herself.

Her two children seemed perfectly at ease in the hospital, Zola sitting on the bench dressing and undressing her doll, and Bailey pushing a small car on the floor. Jesse cleared his throat. "She's awake. We've paged psych. Someone will be here for a consult soon."

There was something about her- something deep and sad, but strong. Like Leanne. She just needed a reminder. "That was some move you did today, you got skills- and cahones"

She stopped pacing for a moment. "Yeah..." Dr. Grey rubbed her forehead, "I'm trying to do something."

"Amelia... right now she's got nobody."

"I know, believe me. It's just- I'm barely holding myself together right now- if it wasn't for Zola and Bailey, I-"

"I know, I hear you." He lowered his voice, he wasn't accusing her. "What I'm trying to say is-"

"She slashed her wrists! I don't understand why... My mother slashed her wrists and I had to wait until she passed out before I could save her."

It suddenly made sense to Jesse, he stepped closer. "You know if there's one thing I know about surgeons it's that they can focus like a laser. Just put everything aside and cut. I saw you do that today. It was very impressive," he paused, reached across the space between them and put his hands lightly on her shoulders. "It's not your job to save her, Dr. Grey. That's on her," he said. "But people shouldn't be alone and in pain. There are only three things you need to do. Show up, shut up, and listen. Especially listen. Can you do that?"

"I... just listen?" she asked. Light dawned in her, like she figured something out. Something clicked for her.

Jesse nodded, "You can do this." His pager beeped. "Back to work." As he turned and left he heard the squeak of the IV pole and the patter of little feet running into the unit.

xxx

"Auntie!" Bailey squealed. Zola pulled herself onto the bed still smiling. In shock, Amelia almost forgot about the bloody jeans on the floor. With one foot she slid them under the bed while she sank back onto the mattress

Meredith avoided eye contact, staring through Amelia with blank eyes. She looked exhausted, and Amelia wondered if that was why she had the IV pole. With a blink, however Meredith snapped herself back to reality and stepped closer inside.

Seeing that Meredith might stay awhile, Malaya interrupted. "I'll just be out here if you need anything." She made a careful exit, like she might blow up a bomb.

"I thought you left," Amelia said.

Meredith shrugged. "I fainted," she said quietly. She grabbed Bailey's hand and led him to the chair.

"Oh." For the first time Amelia saw how tired and exhausted Meredith was. She mentally slapped herself for being so stupid and selfish. She hadn't given much thought about how this affected other people. But Meredith didn't have to be here. "But you came back?"

Meredith picked up Bailey and sat in the chair, her son in her lap. "These people won't give up on us."

Amelia thought about Malaya. "You're telling me," she snickered.

"Derek's dead." Meredith whispered.

Derek is dead. Amelia thought and suddenly she felt sore and sick and violent. "Why, Mer?" She snarled, "Why did you leave? I didn't have anybody there that I could- and then after the funeral you just left! You took Zola and Bailey and you were gone. I was alone..." Amelia stopped herself from crying. Damn it if she was going to bawl in front of Meredith. Zola patted Amelia, seeming to understand something deeper was happening.

Bailey dropped his car and looked at his mother with worry. Meredith picked up the car as she spoke, "After the funeral... the house was empty," She swallowed. "I was in the kitchen, and there was something I was supposed to do but I couldn't remember. It felt like I stood there for hours. I kept thinking maybe this was a dream, maybe I would wake up and he would be back. It felt so unreal. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think... he was there, everywhere in that house. He was home. But he wasn't."

Amelia nodded, she understood, but it was different for her than it was for Meredith. Derek was her brother, not the love of her life. And for her, Derek's house, empty and devoid of family was a constant reminder of abandonment. "So you left."

"I left."

"I'm still angry you left."

"I know."

"I so want to yell at you Mer, but I can't with a kid in my lap." Amelia said with a shaking voice.

Meredith offered a half smile. "That's why I brought them."

"So I'm getting a psych consult. Guess I'm crazy."

"You're not crazy," Meredith said quietly, "You're hurting."

Her words stirred something in Amelia. She picked at her bandages. "The phone cut out. He took a stupid shortcut and I lost the connection. I never got to say goodbye." A lump came up in her throat. "Derek was the only one who cared about me. I mean really cared about me. He was just starting to get me." And now he's gone. "I don't feel anything and I don't know why." She blurted, lifting her bandaged arms. "Thats why I did this, I wanted to feel something. I'm supposed to feel something aren't I?"

Meredith looked at Amelia's arms. "That's why?" she asked.

The relieved look on her face shocked Amelia. Why wasn't Meredith upset, or angry or sympathetic? But relief? It terrified Amelia. Would She leave again? Once again, she would be alone. How could she? Amelia's walls came back up again "I didn't ask for you to come here and see me like this. I would've been fine without you anyway."

Something she said hit a nerve in Meredith. For a split second a mix of emotions flickered on her face. "God, Amelia," She sounded annoyed. "What you did was a call for help. It just so happened that I was the one who got called. You didn't ask for me to come, I know. I don't know why you're here in LA, maybe to see some of your old friends because I left. But you can't just throw me out."

"It's your fault he's dead Meredith. I could have saved him, you could have called me and I could have saved him."

"It was too late Amelia..."

"I didn't get to say goodbye! I didn't get to tell him I loved him! You stole that from me, you stole him from me! And now there's nothing..."

"Fine!" Meredith shouted. She held up a hand and pointed a finger at herself. "Blame me! Yell at me. I'm mad at me. I told him to leave, I told him to go, I pulled the plug." She released Bailey from her lap and stood up. Her sea blue eyes filled with tears. "So be angry, at least you'll feel something. And you're not crazy, I'm crazy. Sometimes I yell at Derek because it's the only thing that tires me out enough to sleep at night. Or I ignore the kids and cry in the shower until the hot water runs out. You need to let yourself feel something Amelia, because there just isn't anymore room in my heart to feel for you. So figure it out!" Meredith swayed, gripping the IV pole for support.

Shaking, Meredith picked up Zola from the bed. "Come on Zo," she choked out. She started to walk out, kids in tow, and then stopped and glared at Amelia with watering eyes. "We're not done here. I'm trying. I'm trying to be here for you, and for the record I'm not angry at you... I'm angry- I'm angry at Derek."

Amelia opened and closed her mouth like a guppy. She felt like Meredith struck her with lightning. Meredith's pain so fresh and raw tore a hole in her heart and now something was starting to bleed out. She shifted in her bed and pulled the covers over her. Amelia felt like a chastised child. As if to prove a point, Zola's doll rolled out from the blanket. She clutched it and suddenly the dam in her heart broke and she sobbed uncontrolably into her pillows.

 **A/N** Wow! That was intense! Will these two pick up the pieces? Please Review! More next chapter on Meredith's feelings. No teaser. but it will be good, I promise.

Also check out my other story, It's a beautiful day to save lives to tide you over.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N** Ok, I'm back. Thanks again to all my reviewers and the people that have followed and faved this. I've noticed there are some Code Black fans that want to see a Code Black fic. That may be a possibility in the future- I just need a chance to really soak up the characters and storylines and come up with something, but I can't make any promises now. Thanks to Meggie8ter, lilacmermaid33, Regan1993 and Carla, my newest reviewers, it really helps to get feedback. The Meredith breakdown scene just clicked into place for me. I truly believe that even in the show now, Meredith is dealing with a lot of anger at Derek and herself.

Anyway, this next scene is probably my favorite and I really enjoyed writing this.

Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

xxx

Meredith made it back to her bed emotionally exhausted. She collapsed into it as Zola and Bailey curled up beside her. On the tray by her bed there was a brown paper bag, snacks that the nurses had brought. She dug into the bag, her kids were probably hungry. There was a large blueberry muffin wrapped in plastic. "You guys want some muffin?" she asked as she tore the plastic off. Zola nodded, Bailey hummed and reached for it.

She broke the muffin into quarters and gave them each a piece. Bailey mashed half of his into his mouth and smacked his lips loudly while still playing with his car. Meredith smiled and kissed his blonde head. He was such a funny kid.

A quarter of a blueberry muffin was shoved in front of her face, she reeled back, startled.

"Eat." Zola said, offering up her piece of muffin. "Mommy, eat." Meredith looked over at the other pieces of muffin on the tray and picked up a piece. For once, in a very long time, she actually _felt_ hungry.

"Kay," she replied simply, taking a bite. Zola nodded and took a bite of hers too.

"Mommy, why did you yell at Auntie Amy?"

Meredith chewed on her muffin. She didn't want to talk about it. What she said to Amelia, she didn't even know she felt. She held it in so long, for the kids, for survival. Because admitting anything- even to herself meant that it was real, that he was gone and never coming back. She swallowed her muffin and gazed at her beautiful daughter. One day when Zola was old enough, she would tell her how it was Zola that kept her and Derek together during the most challenging times of their lives. For now, though she would try and explain what happened in that room, because Zola loved her Aunt and deserved to know. "You know sometimes your feelings get hurt, like when someone calls you a name or takes something from you?"

"Yeah," Zola said. She played with her piece of muffin.

"And how do you feel when that happens?"

"Mad."

"Yeah. So Mommy got mad and yelled."

"Auntie hurt your feelings." Zola said in her simple childlike way. She put her muffin piece in her mouth and chewed.

"Yeah," Meredith sighed, "but Mommy shouldn't have yelled at Auntie."

"Why?"

"Because Auntie was sad and Mommy was supposed to help."

Bailey whined a little and Meredith gave him half of the last piece of muffin.

"But you're sad too, cause Daddy's gone." Zola said. _Daddy's gone._ The words echoed in her head. She remembered Derek at the door of their house, that little grin on his face. _Stay right here. Don't go. Wait for me._ She looked back at Zola, falling into her black eyes. _Daddy's gone._ Meredith drew Zola closer to her and lay down on the bed.

Meredith thought about Amelia. Seeing her on that bed earlier she had never seen anyone look so lonely before. This whole event brought back terrible memories of her mother and Derek but somehow she had managed for a little while to put them aside and hear Amelia. Because even if it hurt Meredith to be here, it was worse to be alone. Amelia needed someone.

She didn't know that Amelia had talked to Derek that morning. She had already been fraught with worry, the plane crash heightened her emotions to an almost unbearable level. Everything had happened so fast that day. And when the Sheriff arrived at her door, all she could think about was her kids.

Honestly, after seeing Derek hooked up to all those machines- she hadn't even thought about Amelia. She was just in shock. She remembered looking at his chart, looking at the monitors that hung over his bed and all of the machines, and thinking where was he? Where did he go? He's not here on this bed, dying. He can't be.

And if, by some miracle of fairy tales and magic he would wake up- she knew he wouldn't be Derek. There was no way he would ever be the same, if he was remotely functional to begin with. After all that happened with her mother, she wasn't sure she could survive that. So she did what she never thought she would have to do- she pulled the plug.

"I wish he was here..." the words popped out, she had never said that out loud before. She watched Zola carefully for a reaction but her daughter just sighed and snuggled into her. Somehow on a fundemental level, Zola understood. It was the strangest sensation, being mothered and comforted by her own five year old daughter.

xxx

Dr. Lorenson looked at the lab results again, and sighed. She wasn't sure how Dr. Grey would take the news. Still, she had to do her job.

"Christa!"

"Hey Malaya," Christa turned, happy to see her friend. She hadn't seen her all night. "How's the suicide watch?"

Malaya got into step beside her. "We'll see. I don't think she's going to be released soon. Dr. Grey went to visit her, I thought it would help, but Amelia was a mess after she left."

Christa sighed. That wasn't good. But she could understand the grief that hey both were going through. ."

"I'll catch up with you later," Malaya said," I'm going to check on some of the patients."

"Ok." She nodded to her friend and headed to the semi private room Meredith was resting in. "Dr Grey?" she called quietly as she pushed the curtain aside. Meredith appeared to be dozing with her kids curled up beside her, but she took a deep breath and opened her eyes half way. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"S'okay," She said sleepily, rubbing her eyes.

Christa did a brief exam, satisfied that Meredith's stats were now at a normal level and that she had recieved fluids and food to raise her blood sugar. She gave the doctor a smile. "You can be discharged now, but before you go you should know that we ran some tests-"

"And... I'm pregnant." Meredith blurted.

"You knew?" Christa asked.

Meredith sat up a little more. "I had a feeling..." she said, seeming niether happy or sad about the news. She put a hand on her stomach. "I wasn't sure I wanted to know."

"You've been under a lot of stress." Christa said softly, she stepped closer to offer comfort and support. Surely this could not be easy, now there would be a third child for her to raise without a father in the picture. "Will you be okay?"

"I have a hostile uterus and I'm under a lot of stress, so I don't know." She looked down at her belly. "But it's a good thing. A part of him is with me, and it's good, it feels good."

Christa nodded. She thought about her own son, how he had been born two years after a miscarriage and how much joy it gave her because she felt that the miscarried child had been returned to her. It made her son's birth that much more special. "Hope," she offered, "you can have hope."

xxx

"Hope." Meredith repeated. So it was true. She was pregnant. She had missed her period, and there had been some vomiting, but she chalked it up to stress. Now there was a life growing in her, needing her. Was it possible to be fearful and hopeful at the same time? Could she allow herself to feel hope? She remembered the first few months of Bailey's pregnancy, how terrified she had been of losing him. It was a long time before she felt any peace about it, and it was Derek who had convinced her, for the most part, that she would be okay.

Without Derek, how would she handle this? She didn't know, except that she would try.

Christa pulled some forms out from the binder and handed it to Meredith. "Well, here's your discharge papers."

"Wait. I want an ultrasound." She had to see, she had to make sure it would be alright.

"Oh, okay," Christa hummed."I'll set up an appointment."

A thought occured to her. It was crazy, probably against the rules, but necessary. "No, I have a better idea." And she began to tell Christa her plan.

xxx

The pysch consult, Dr. Simmons, had been harsh. He barely looked up from his clipboard as he asked the requisite questions and ticked off the check boxes. Amelia had been honest, for the most part, hoping that would be enough.

After she answered his fiftieth question, Dr. Simmons snapped the clipboard shut and finally looked at her. "I believe you are still at risk for harming yourself or others. We'll be admitting you for thirty days."

"What? Thirty days? I can't afford to lose thirty days." It seemed so sudden and unexpected. What about her work? What about Seattle? There would be rumours- gossip- people thinking she lost it completely. Everything that she had tried to build there would be gone in thirty days.

"I'm sorry, that's the protocol," Dr Simmons shrugged.

"Wait," Amelia said. "I want to speak to Dr. Rorish."

"You are no longer Dr. Rorish's patient."

Amelia had to talk to Dr. Rorish, convince her that she would be okay. She ripped the bandage off her left arm and started to pull at one of the stitches. So they thought she would hurt herself? She'd show them.

Dr. Simmons panicked when she saw what she was doing. "Unless you want to stich be back up, I suggest you get Dr. Rorish."

"Okay, okay," He raised his arms in surrender.

She breathed a sigh of relief and leaned back on her bed.

It was only a few minutes later that Dr Rorish arrived, Simmons in tow like a guilty puppy. "What's going on?"

"I pulled out a stitch."

"What?" Rorish grabbed her hand and looked at the stich under her glasses. She turned to Simmons, "You called me away from the ER for this? An intern could stitch her up!"

Simmons stammered something unitelligible, but Amelia interrupted "I asked for you."

Rorish turned away from Dr. Simmons and looked sharply at Amelia. "Alright. Dr Simmons, a moment please."

When they were alone, Dr. Rorish stood, arms crossed. "Well?" she asked.

Amelia swallowed. "I can't do thirty days. Not here."

"What did you say to her?"

"What?"

"You want me to talk to Simmons don't you? Answer my questions."

"I-I don't really know what I said, I blamed her I guess. It was stupid." Warmth flooded her cheeks as she blushed with guilt.

"You blamed her but you know better." Dr. Rorish's words were blunt and uncompromising,but Amy let herself feel the impact. She had lashed out at the one person who happened to be there for her. But deep down it wasn't Meredith she was blaming, it was herself.

"I kept thinking I could have said or done something, and none of it would have happened."

Dr. Rorish examined her wrist and grabbed a suture kit. "Amelia... believe me I know." And Amelia knew that Rorish was not just placating her. "You replay everything over again in your head, thinking it could have been different." Amelia winced as Dr. Rorish dabbed the wound with antiseptic. "But you can't keep living there," Rorish continued. "It will kill you."

Amelia contemplated what she said. "I know, I don't know what's wrong with me. I just blurt out the most insane angry things, I'm on edge all the time."

Dr Rorish looked at her with genuine understanding. "Losing your brother is painful, now your mind is setting up defenses so you don't have to face that pain again. At first it's easier, but then the loneliness sets in. Trouble is, once you've pushed these people away, you can't always get them back."

"Will Meredith come back?"

Rorish didn't answer right away. She finished the stitch and began to wrap the bandages again. "What about Seattle?"

"What about it?"

"You go to AA?"

"Sometimes."

"You have friends there? Family?"

Amelia thought about it. Not really, maybe. She hadn't really gotten close to anyone. There was Richard. And Owen, maybe Owen.

"Meredith can only take so much. You need a bigger net."

"I'm not staying thirty days."

Dr. Rorish patted her arm as she finished the bandage."I'll talk to Simmons, but you need to make some friends."

Amelia looked at her wrists. For the first time she really saw what she was doing to herself. Could she make it? She didn't know.

xxx

 **A/N** So that's chapter 8! I made up Dr. Simmons. And the part about Lorenson's miscarriage too just for more drama.

Up next, Meredith breaks the news to Amelia!

Chapter 9 Teaser:

 _"Amelia," Meredith said. Amelia looked up, her expression unreadable. "I need to tell you that I'm scared. I'm scared of losing the baby."_

 _"I know," She whispered. "I'm scared too."_

 _"But I'll do everything I can to carry it to term."_

 _"I know you will."_

 _"You and me, we share this. We share Derek."_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N** Chapter 9! This is coming together as a beautiful story now and I am grateful for all the fans that have read and supported this fic.

Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own these characters

Leanne stopped for a second to absorb the golden glow. It was her favorite time of day, the sun had risen enough to stream through the high windows and flood previously dark hallways with light. She had just come off her shift. Today she had done it. She had saved lives. She had given people hope for a new day. Despite the losses of the night, she had healed those who had a fighting chance. Although exhausted, she would relish the next few hours before succumbing to the darkness of sleep.

She stopped when saw Meredith walking alone in the hall. "I take it you've been discharged?"

"Yeah," Meredith nodded, "I'm going to visit Amelia again."

"Good." Rorish nodded slightly. Meredith looked rested, and there was something else... Rorish wouldn't call it happy, but there was a certain peace about her. Her haunted features evident earlier that morning were gone.

"Does it get any better?" Meredith asked, looking down at her hands.

Rorish considered her feelings. In the darkest deepest part of her she would never truly be whole again. When her family died a piece was amputed from her and she hobbled along with phantom pain most of the time. But she visited that place less and less these days and some days the pain wasn't as sharp. "You will never be the same, Meredith." She said quietly. "But if you have something to live for, that's enough most of the time... and it gets better, a little every day."

"I hate it. I hate that he's gone and I have to feel this."

"I know." Rorish said. Something nagged at her, something that Meredith had said earlier but dismissed. The carosel. "Meredith, what did you mean by getting off the carosel?"

Meredith avoided her gaze and seemed to shut down, but then she cleared her throat, "I can't move forward right now. I left my life behind, the hospital, my career, my friends, family... I just left. Is that a bad thing?"

"No. It's not." Rorish swallowed, "I'm glad you came back for her."

"It was because of you... what you said."

"But you listened." Rorish said.

Meredith nodded, and for a moment they were connected in their grief, fellow comrades in the struggle to just be. Rorish nodded back, "Take care Meredith," she said before she continued on her way down the hall.

xxx

"What are we doing?" Malaya asked as she followed Christa into an equipment room. Christa had paged her moments ago saying it was urgent, and now they were sneaking around equipment supply rooms.

"Come on." Christa said as she glanced around the room, looking for something. When she saw what she was looking for she smiled and moved equipment out of the way to get it.

"Wait, is that one of the new ultrasound machines?" She had only seen them once before and they were reserved for the OB. These machines have to be assigned to a patient by an attending OB. So what was Christa's reason for being here?

"We're going to test it out."

"We?" Malaya asked, this was so against the rules, they could get into a lot pf trouble.

"I need to get it to Amelia's room."

"What? She's not pregnant."

"I know. It's not for her, its for Dr. Grey."

Malaya stopped and rubbed her forehead,"What? Christa, I'm confused."

Christa sighed, "You want to help Amelia right?"

"Of course."

"Well, we're going to give them a little hope. Are you going to help me or not?"

The image of Amelia crying alone on her bed flashed in her mind. She didn't quite know what exactly Christa was planning, but she trusted her. If it would help Amelia, then she would do it. "Okay. I will."

"Come on, let's go."

xxx

Amelia stared at the ceiling. They were going to discharge her tomorrow, she just had to make arrangements. Dr. Rorish promised to discharge her if she checked into an outpatient facility in seattle for six month grief and addictions counseling. She just didn't know if she trusted herself.

A week ago she recovered from the shock of Dead Derek by cracking jokes about him. What the hell was that about? _I just don't want to be hurt again..._ she thought. After her fiance and her baby died she couldn't let herself hurt like that. That kind of pain led to drugs, escaping and possible overdose. She could lose everything, her career would be over. So she stopped feeling anything.

Then Owen left. It was the last straw for her. She thought she wouldn't care about it, it's not like they were anything anyway. Owen had already pulled away. But then she was alone. Truly alone. She thought she didn't care about that. But it hurt more than she expected, and she ended up in LA trying to hide or run or find comfort, but instead ended up lost. When she came to LA to connect with some of her old friends she wanted to show strength. But when she tried to reach out to them, she couldn't because she felt so hollow and empty and fake.

Better a cut, better she hurt herself physically then feel the pain of Derek's leaving her right? But she lost control, the first cut too deep and full of rage, the second more out of spite and self-hatred.

She stared at the bag of bloody clothes they left her and felt ashamed. Somebody mentioned getting her some scrubs or something, but nothing materialized yet.

She heard a noise and saw Meredith in the doorway. She sucked in a breath, shocked to see her. "Hey." She looked over for Bailey and Zola, "Where's the kids?"

"Asleep, the nurses are watching them."

"Mer- I'm-"

"No, I'm sorry." Meredith interrupted. "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that." She stepped into the room and dropped a bag onto the bed. "I brought some extra clothes, We're about the same size right?"

That simple gesture by Meredith surprised her, Amelia picked up the bag, "You didn't have to do that," she said, but she was very relieved and grateful. Slowly, trust was being built again. "Meredith, you're right," she sighed, "I need to feel something, I need to let myself feel. I'm scared it will hurt too much."

Meredith sat on the bed beside her and touched her hand. "Well I think I can help." Meredith said. She looked behind her and nodded at someone unseen. "Now get off the bed."

"What?"

"Get off the bed." Meredith started to unzip her pants,

"What the hell, Mer?" Amelia stood up and looked around in confusion. That's when she saw Mayala and another blonde doctor enter the room pushing a very high tech ultrasound machine.

"Come on, we don't have a lot of time," Merideth was saying. She pulled her pants off and made herself comfortable on the bed.

What was going on? Amelia thought Why was there an ultrasound machine in her room, there was no need for it, unless...

The blonde doctor plugged in the machine and pressed some buttons. "It's ready Dr. Grey."

Meredith shoved a bottle of gel into Amelia's hands. "I hope you remember how to do an ultrasound, Dr. Shepherd. I need to know how far along I am. Hostile uterus and all."

"You're pregnant?" Amelia sputtered.

"What can I say? Derek and I had to make up, and that involved sex. Lots and lots of sex. Now hurry up, I'm getting cold."

xxx

Meredith watched as Amelia moved the wand in small circles over her abdomen. She was scared, scared that this was a mistake because of her hostile uterus. This was impulsive- but in her heart she knew it was good. Amelia needed to see. They both needed to see.

She thought about one of her last conversations with Derek. How happy he was, how happy they both were. _I want more..._ Derek said, _of this, of us-of... I wanna have more._

 _Another baby?_

 _Sure._

 _I-Seriously?_

Now it was happening, except Derek was gone. "Amelia," Meredith said. She had to tell her, prepare her for the possibility. Amelia looked up, her expression unreadable. "I need to tell you that I'm scared. I'm scared of losing the baby."

"I know," She whispered. "I'm scared too."

"But I'll do everything I can to carry it to term."

"I know you will."

"You and me, we share this. We share Derek."

Amelia nodded slightly and continued her exam.

That's when she saw it. "Look!" Meredith exclaimed. There on the screen was a blob, no bigger than a kidney bean. A Mcbean. It wasn't just a fetus she was seeing now, it was hope, it was the future.

Amelia was smiling now too, a hesitant anxious smile, but one nonetheless. "That's what? Eight weeks?"

"Yeah." Meredith agreed. But her heart ached, because she knew that she still couldn't be there right now for Amelia. It would be painful for the both of them. Amelia's pain was just too much to bear and going back home so soon was more than she could handle. Meredith had to find out who she was outside of Derek and the hospital. She had to find her own strength as a mother. "Amelia?" Meredith started, "Um-,"

Amelia's smile disappeared, "You're not coming back, are you?"

"It's still too much. I'm sorry."

xxx

"It's still too much. I'm sorry."

Amelia's heart sunk. She felt like Meredith had slapped her. She felt like she would fall again into the abyss.

"Amelia..."

She looked again at Merideth, saw the mixture of emotions on her face, saw how hard she was trying just to keep it together, and she knew that she had to be strong too.

"You'll come back sometime right?" Her voice cracked. "Sooner rather than later?"

"Seattle is my home, and I'm not my mother."

Amelia cleared her throat. "I'm your family."

Meredith smiled. "Yeah, you are."

"I'm still mad at you. I have abandonment issues."

"You need a Person."

"A Person?" There it was again, what exactly did she mean?

"If you murdered somebody, who would you call to help you get rid of the corpse?"

"I-What?" Where did that come from? Meredith was so weird sometimes.

"A best friend, Amelia. You have a best friend?"

"Uh... I" She didn't know what to say. Honestly she never really thought about it because she always just buried herself in her work. In another life it would have been Addison, but she wasn't so sure now.

"Oh! What about Owen?"

"Seriously? That's the best you can come up with? I thought you didn't like us together."

"I never said-"

"He's in the middle east anyway."

"What? He left? That is so not allowed."

They were quiet for a moment except for the wooshing of the ultrasound. Meredith reached over to the machine and pressed a button. Then she put her hand over Amelia's and guided the wand to a certain spot. "Listen,"

Amelia heard it. The fast thump-thump of the baby's heartbeat, strong and steady. An unexpected surge of emotion filled her heart. She didn't know what it was. She breathed deep and tried not to show it.

"Print a picture," Meredith ordered.

Amelia printed the picture and handed it to Meredith. Meredith clutched it, tracing the outline of the blob with her fingers. Then she and sighed and put it into Amelia's hand.

"You keep it," she said. "You need something to hang on to, okay?"

Amelia stared at the black and white outline of the blob. Tears streamed down her face. "Okay." she choked."Why am I crying?"

"It's good Amelia," Meredith said, her eyes also watering. "You're feeling something. It's hope."

 **A/N** You might be wondering why I didn't keep Meredith and Amy together. I just think there is something signifcant about Meredtih needing to find out who she is on her own. She needs space- and Amy doesn't seem to be the space giving type. Epilogue up next!


	10. Epilogue

**A/N** Thank you readers for all your support! Some of you Code Blackers have been asking how to get a Code Black category, so I will be sending an email to FF .net support to get it started, not sure how long that will take. As for Code Black stories, I haven't started any as of yet, but may write a short one shot in the New Year. (No Promises)

Anyway, please enjoy this final installment of The Call.

Disclaimer: I do not own Greys or Code Black.

Jesse found Malaya on the roof. "Shouldn't you be in bed?" he asked. She didn't answer as he approached. He simply smiled and looked onto the horizon with her. "Best part of the day... when the sun rises, it's a new day Dr. Pineda. Fresh start."

Malaya turned her head a quarter turn to him, and he could see in that instant, a mark of maturity in her he hadn't seen before. They both turned back to the sun and smiled.

xxx

Christa was cleaning up Dr. Grey's bed when something clattered on the floor. A toy car. It must have been Bailey's. She picked it up, but was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Her son had a car just like this. He had a whole collection of about twenty. They used to sit on the floor and race them. It was his favorite thing to do. She swallowed and blinked back the tears. The car tumbled into the pocket of her scubs as she finished her work.

Half an hour later she was changing in the locker room. Leanne just entered and was collecting her things for the day, when there was a clatter. Christa looked down, the car had fallen out of her pocket when she changed her shirt. Before she could pick it up, Leanne reached down, "What's this?. Oh." Leanne's expression changed from mild curiosity to pain. "Christa, where did you find this?"

"Dr. Grey's room, I think it was Bailey's."

"Oh."

"My son had a car just like that," Christa blurted. For some reason, she didn't want to give it up.

Leanne placed the car in Christa's locker. "Mine too," she said softly.

xxx

The buzz of people in the airport was a good distraction from Amelia's dark thoughts as she walked beside Meredith toward their boarding gates. "Zola, stay with Mommy!" Meredith called as her puffy haired daughter escaped from her grasp and skipped ahead.

"I got her." Amelia bolted ahead, grabbing Zola's wrist. Zola giggled and squirmed, like they were playing a game. Amelia smiled a bittersweet smile. She would miss this. She looked up at the sign. "Well, I guess this is where we part ways. This is my stop."

"Yeah," Meredith hitched Bailey on her hip as she stopped. "My flight leaves in an hour...Are you gonna be okay Amelia?"

"I'll be... I'll manage, don't worry." It was her usual automatic reply.

Meredith moved beside her and sat down, Amelia joined her, Zola in her lap. They both stared ahead. "You know I kinda had a near death whatever once?"

"The plane crash?"

"No before that. There was an accident, I fell in the water and for a second I just... I thought, what's the point? I stopped swimming. I drowned."

"Oh." Amelia took in this new information. She had always thought Meredith was the strong one who kept it all together, now that perception was changing as Meredith opened up to her.

Meredith pressed her lips together, "It's hard to explain and a long story, but basically I died. And while I was... uh, dead I had this dream or something. I realized that I couldn't give up." Meredith smiled, "I wanted to live, I wanted to be with the people that I loved.

"Meredith, what are you saying?"

"Amelia, you need people. You need to let people in. I don't know how things are between you and Owen... I don't know who you consider your friends...maybe Addison or even Richard, but I know they care about you, and you need to let someone in."

Amelia started to consider it, but she couldn't get past Meredith's hypocrisy. "What about you Meredith, it seems like you're running away from your 'people.'

Meredith sighed. "It's... It's not like that, it's different for me..."

"How?" Amelia asked.

"I do have people, I can call Alex, or Richard... even Callie and they'll be there for me in a heartbeat. They are only a phone call away."

"But you left."

Meredith's voice caught. "When Derek died, I felt like I'd been ripped in half. He was my world. He was everything. Seattle, the hospital, our house... Derek's there. And I was just flailing... I couldn't function there. I have to find out who I am...without him."

"So do I."

Meredith turned, now looking her in the eye. "Amelia, you are strong... you are an excellent surgeon, and a good friend. It's time for you to come out from under his shadow. He's...gone and it's sad and hard and... it doesn't have to be this hard. Zola gets me through. Bailey gets me through. You need people to get you through, okay?

"Okay"

"We have to get to our plane, Zozo, Bay... Give Auntie Amy a kiss and hug."

After Amelia was smothered in hugs and kisses, Meredith squeezed Amelia's hand and carted her kids off to the San Francisco gate. She watched them go for a moment, her heart heavy with thoughts of being left again. Then she pulled out the ultrasound picture Keep it, Meredith had said something to hold on to. Deep down, under all her walls, Amelia knew she couldn't make it alone. She needed somebody. She pulled out her phone and tapped on her contact list. Maybe she could call someone...

xxx

Some time later.

The car was quiet. Bailey stopped fussing an hour ago and Zola succumbed to sleep after Alex enticed her into playing the 'Quiet' game. Baby Ellis was fast asleep in her car seat in the back.

Meredith was grateful for Alex's company as he drove them. Except for the occasional glance of concern, he didn't needle her with questions or shower her with attention. She didn't know what she would feel when she got home. Her time away had been... challenging. She wasn't healed yet, she would never be completely healed, she knew, but she started to build back the other half of herself. Meredith Grey. Widow. Mother. Friend.

Alex reached over and touched her arm and she looked up. Seattle city limits.

She was ready to try again, get on the carousel.

xxx

Amelia drove up the winding road to Derek's house. She had been at the hospital for a week now and Owen had ordered her home for a couple days off. Whatever. She didn't care anyway. As she rounded up the hill to the house, she noticed there was another vehicle in the driveway and a light was on. Was that Meredith's car?

Her breath caught in her throat. She pulled up behind and jumped out. The keys shook in her hand as she tried to unlock the door. Finally it clicked and she walked in. She nearly cried when she saw Alex sleeping on the sofa with Zola on top of him.. the TV playing children's sleepytime songs. She walked down the hall to Merideth's room and saw bumps in the bed. Bailey and Meredith. They were back.

Amelia's legs felt weak. She didn't want to wake anyone up so she started to tip toe to her room. They would talk in the morning.

"Amelia." Meredith whispered.

Amelia froze. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"Come here." Meredith said softly. Amelia turned and walked back to Meredith's room and hovered in the doorway. Meredith turned a lamp on and waved her over to the crib.

The crib. Amelia stepped softly into the room. Meredith reached down and picked up the blanket wrapped bundle. "I did it, Amelia. I had this baby. Meet Ellis Amelia Shepherd." Meredith handed Amelia the bundle.

She just stared at Ellis, taking her all shifted in her blankets, her tiny hand reaching for her thumb. "You- you came back."

"Yeah, Well I need my family."

"Yeah." Amelia stared at Ellis, her tiny body, that little black curl on the top of her head, she looked like Derek.

"Can you see him?"

"What?"

"Just watch her for a minute."

Ellis fussed and Amelia cooed. Finally Ellis opened her eyes and stared at her at with Derek's perfect blue eyes. Amelia stared back, getting lost in the depths of them. Then Ellis yawned, and seemed to look right back at Amelia and closed one eye in a perfect little wink. Like Derek was there, like everything would be... alright.

 **A/N** Well, that's a wrap, thanks for sticking with it! The very last scene was Inspired by a scene I saw in 11x22 I think where Meredith is finally home and Bailey and Zola are playing. Meredith is in the kitchen and Amelia comes out with baby Ellis. There's this look between them. Actually this whole story was inspired by that scene.

Who do you think Amelia called? I left that open to interpretation, so you fans can choose for yourselves. Let me know what you think.

Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you!


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